Friday, July 17, 2009

You Are Incorrigible

Oh no!

Oscar’s slipped from out of his mother’s grasp. & oh look – he’s running across the train platform!

OSCAR: Ha ha ha ha! I got away! I’m running across the train platform!

Oscar go back, your mother will be so worried. Oh look – he’s running between the passengers, ducking underneath the skirts of the ladies. & the ladies give a great shout of alarm!


OSCAR: Ha ha ha ha!

Oscar that is no way for little boys to behave. Now you and your mother will be late for your train.

OSCAR: I don’t care! I’m never going back – never!

Oh Oscar, you know that you must get on board. You must go back. It’s for your own good. Your mother only wants what’s – oh look what you’ve done now!

OSCAR: Ha ha ha ha!

Oscar you’ve taken the legs off the men passengers and put them on the bodies of the lady passengers!

OSCAR: I’ve taken off their legs – ha ha ha!

And you’ve taken the legs off the lady passengers and put them on the men. Now they’re tumbling around & falling about everywhere! Oh you naughty boy, is that any way to behave in public?

MOTHER: Oscar!? Oscar!

Oscar your mother is calling you.

OSCAR: Ha ha ha ha! I don’t care!

Oscar if you do not behave yourself I will be forced to introduce new characters into the narrative.

Oh Oscar – don’t blow a raspberry at me!

OSCAR: I don’t care, I don’t care! Nyah! I’m not going back – not ever!

I have never known a boy as naughty as you are, Oscar. & look – here’s an Agent pushing his way through the crowd.

AGENT: Down! Everyone get down!

THE PASSENGERS: Help, help us! Our legs!

The agent has a gun, Oscar. He’ll shoot you if you don’t co– oh Oscar, what are you doing!?

OSCAR: Ha ha ha ha! I’m drinking all the orange fizzy at the kiosk!

Why Oscar you are incorrigible. You know you’re not allowed to drink orange. & look what’s happened now.

OSCAR: Going all funny. Ha. Ha.

Yes Oscar, you’re allergic to orange and look what’s happened. You’ve lost control of your body & now you are mutating.

AGENT: (shocked whisper) Too late.

OSCAR: Chan…ging…

Yes Oscar. You’re changing and growing. Look at how you’ve upset the proprietor of the kiosk, he’s running away. Who’ll mind the till at the kiosk now he’s run away?

AGENT: Clear the station, quickly!

I’m sorry Mr Agent, but I’m afraid there’s no point firing your gun at Oscar now. All of that orange he’s drunk has set off his allergy.


Oh Oscar, if only you'd listened.

MOTHER: Oscar!?!



  1. There must be a market out there for non-children's picture books. Wait, there definitely is - at least, there have been numerous times that I've picked out books for the kids at the library on the basis of the first few pages only to find out later that somehow despite the nice start, the book morphs halfway through into a child's personal sycho-trauma from the bomings of Sarajevo. I still get one line quoted at me ("now I understand why the children cry") whenever I suggest taking the kids to the library. I can only assume that people who work in libraries make purchasing choices also on the basis of the first few pages. But who *writes* these stories?

    Answer: you do. Heh.

  2. Poor Agent, it's TOO LATE...

    Awesome :-)

  3. ah no, gnat,
    the librarians make purchasing choices on what will make children cry surely.

    but Chris, what happened next?...

  4. I commented earlier, but Blogger seems to have eaten it. Never mind. Just wanted to say that you are a genius. And this is a wonderful story. You had me and Sean laughing hysterically (well, ok, so I was laughing hysterically) before 10.30 on a Saturday morning. Whatever else Scotland is doing for you, it's certainly getting you writing good stuff. Hugs...

  5. Oh Sugar, I didn't mean to imply that you weren't laughing, only that I didn't want to misrepresent you as hysterical, as, after all, at that stage I was only reading you random bits.

  6. Thanks guys! Comments much appreciated!
    & Hey there Gnat, how's it going? This was supposed to be a "frivolous" entry...
    you might find the rest of the content a little bleaker...

  7. frivolous ?!...
    how do you think the passengers felt!
    life changing at the very least.