Shaped Like an Ass

Welcome to the future. Your Largo Ergoform TX is the total primo fusion of comfort, affordability and posture-paedic support.

It’s loaded with controls. As demonstrated in the attached diagram, it has controls for raising and lowering the seat, altering the pitch of the seat, locking and unlocking the tilt of the back support, increasing or decreasing the resistance of the back support when unlocked, altering the seat depth and raising and lowering the arm rests.


There is a squishy pump for putting air into the in-built lumbar support, there are wheels and the armrests even come off if you need them to. But best of all, the chair itself is shaped just like an ass.

Shaped like an ass
Shaped like an ass
The Largo Ergoform TX is
Shaped like an ass

Try it out. Try it now. Sink down into that warm milky oblivion. Mmm-good. See? Hey I think it likes you!

We know that no two customers are exactly the same, so pay attention to the controls. So many controls! You’ll probably need your kids to explain them to you – ha ha!


Or we could send one of our representatives to custom-fit the chair to your contours. We’re happy to provide this service free to all of our clients. Very happy actually.

Hmmmm, just talking about your contours makes us want to sell you a chair. Better take a second to cool off!! Just kidding. (No we’re not.) We put a lot of thought into crafting our chairs with your specific contours in mind. It’s our gift to you, and hubby doesn’t have to know.


Just imagine sinking into an Ergoform at the start of a long day. Imagine how the day would fly past – you’d barely notice you were working. Imagine a line of Ergoform TX chairs rolling down the street, with a great big Ergoform Executive rolling in the lead… just like a bunch of schoolkids following Teacher on a field trip! Hey, or what if a whole bunch of them were performing on stage, like Las Vegas showgirls - crazy!!
…
That is actually crazy.

All Largo Ergoform TX chairs come with a free three year service guarantee. Some conditions apply. Visit our website to learn more about or range of posture-paedic products, or just to say “hi”.

Special Little Man

Heyyyyy!

Hi.

Hey guess what, I had coffee with Marti and look! Look! Look!

Nfh.

You’re not looking. Look! -- What’s the matter?

Nothing, nothing.

Bad day?

Yeah.

Aww. But look!

(she is holding a DVD box set. it is the second season of True Blood)

Oh, cool.

Pfft. C’mere.

No.

You want to talk to Mum about your bad day?

…um.

(a pause)

Yeah.

OK. Just a sec.

(she leaves. he drinks the rest of the Ribena. rain falls into the garden outside.)

(she returns, now wearing horn rimmed glasses, a blue bathrobe and hair curlers)

Aww here’s my Rojie.

Hi.

Awww here. Have a hug. Tell Mum about your bad day.

It was okay.

(she pulls a pack of cigarettes out from the robe and lights one)

Did you feel the earthquake this morning?

Nn-nn.

Felt like a big one. It was early, at like 10 or something. The sky got dark and the whole building shook. You didn’t feel it? At first I thought it was like a bomb or a missile or something… plane crash.

My Rojie. Worried about plane crashes. You’re my nervous little guy.

Yeah – but then it was weird, because afterwards I kept finding all this dust in my office, like white powder or something. It was getting into my shoes and everything. And then fucking Korea was –

Tsk.

Sorry Mum. Sorry. It’s that guy, he’s like… he had me on the edge of a panic attack all day. They’re doing performance reviews this month and he’s just walking around the office all morning staring at people’s work stations, doing spot checks. Who was in, who wasn’t in. He’s going to lay off half my team, I know it. You should have seen him, he was stalking around like some kind of primal hunter. And then he’s coming up to me and asking if I believe there’s a God – what are you supposed to say to that!? Like what, you’re going to fire me because I don’t… shit, could he do that? I don’t even know what religion he is, so I can’t lie. Fuck’s sake I can’t even work out what ethnicity he is!! Sorry Mum. I shouldn’t swear, I know. I’m just really worked up.

There there. I don’t like this man very much.

He doesn’t blink. Not very often anyway.

I don’t like anyone who’s mean to my little Rojie.

And he’s calling me all day, I mean what are you supposed to do? And oh God I haven’t told you -- he gets Janet to come in, all like “you have to go see Korea right now”, like “RIGHT NOW” and I go there and his office is empty. It’s just me and… he has all these little statues, like Easter Island things. And then I hear this thump, it’s like a horror movie or something, and really slowly he comes up from underneath his desk and stares at me. HE WAS HIDING THERE. Under his desk. And we have this… I don’t know what you’d call it, “conversation” isn’t really the word. He’s going on about Star Trek and man’s mission to the universe or some shit – sorry – and I’m standing there thinking “what have I done”, you know? “What have I done, why is this happening to me?” Just like “I’m going to get fired now” or “maybe he’s going to bite me to death”, and I don’t know why it’s happening, and all I can pay attention to is that my hands are in my pockets and they’re full of this white powder shit, and he’s not blinking, he doesn’t even blink once, I couldn’t take it, I thought I was going to puke, I actually had to go to the toilet and stand there for like three minutes because I thought I was going to puke…

My brave little boy.

…and y-yuh… yuh…

(gulping for breath)

You just let it out.

Hnnnhhhh.

That’s right. Let all that tension out. Deep breaths. You’re so brave.

(a long pause)

Huh. Hnnh. -- You shouldn’t smoke Mum.

Tsk.

(a long pause)

But he didn’t fire you.

No.

And they’re not going to. You’re too special for them to fire you.

Yeah.

My brave little man. You had a bad nasty horrible Wednesday but you made it didn’t you?

Yeah.

And you have your pretty girlfriend coming over and she’s going to watch True Blood with you. You like that show, don’t you?

Yeah.

That’s right. It’s your favourite show, and you’re going to have ice cream and everything’s going to be all right.

Yeah. -- Thanks Mum.

Tsk. I love my little man.

(she kisses him on the cheek, then smiles and walks out of the room)

(a moment passes. he has regained his composure)

…fucking Star Trek… I mean, what the fuck...?

(he picks the DVD box up off the kitchen counter. turns it over. reads the back)

Hmmph.

(she returns, dressed as previously)

Hey hon!

Hey.

(she sniffs)

Phee-eww! Did she smoke in here?

Yeah. I told her not to.

Ah well.

Corrected Proof for Expo

Remember when summer lasted all day and you and your mate were going to go swimming but first you had to visit your grandparents. Your grandfather had a lawn bowls set and your grandmother sat in the shade of a “sun-brella” and drank. The radio was always warning you about something, and summer was defined as “the period of finest development, perfection, or beauty previous to any decline: the summer of life.” Probably your grandparents have passed on now but don’t dwell on it.


DADCO

Who are we and what do we do, we make plastic lawn furniture. We make round white plastic tables and plastic chairs in sets of four which come with. There’s a whole in the middle of the table and we make “sun-brellas” which go in the whole. They come in three colours. White with yellow and purple stripes, White with yellow and blue stripes, White with yellow and orange stripes.
That’s all we do. We make them in Hamilton and we send them up as far as Auckland and down as far as Tokoroa. We used to make BBQs but the contractors we had for the gas tanks were useless, it was a nightmare. & also safety regulations.

“My husband and I are remodelling our home to include a terrace garden, patio and conservatory. What can DADCO do to help?” – Siri
Nothing.

“Hi can I buy a table and set of chairs please.” – Carol
Yes you can Carol but you have not sent us your address or phone number.

“We’ve just bought a home in Warkworth (our first!) and love the look of the furniture in the DADCO calendar – do you deliver?” – Ben
Ben go read it again we do not send any further up than Auckland so no.


OUR MOTTO

At DADCO we have a motto: “It’s our job”.
We have it up in places around the warehouse & also we had it printed onto 12 “mouse-mats”.

THE DADCO PROMISE

At DADCO we’re ambivalent about the fact our customer service is nothing flash.

We recognise that mistakes happen. Sometimes orders will get shipped late, or to the wrong address, or else not all the items will be included. Oh well “that’s life.”

You, the customer, are not always our priority. We’ll give it a go, but we’ve also got other business to worry about. Things going wrong behind the scenes, etc. For instance some of our contractors are bloody useless.

If you’ve got a problem with us there’s an answering machine, the number is this: 275 7800 leave your number & a message. But don’t expect us to get back to you if you’re shirty.
(& also have a quick think before you ring maybe you’re just having a bad day? Well don’t take it out on us)

FROM THE MANAGING DIRECTOR

Hello my name is Don Cumble. I worked four years in the warehouse as Operations Manager until April this year when they made me MD.
I would say the best part of my job is that I don’t work in the warehouse! Ha ha no offence guys.
My job is pretty good, I get paid more than I used to. But sometimes it’s difficult. Like when I get a call from someone and I don’t know what to tell them – I may be the boss but I certainly don’t have all the answers!

So enough about Don. 2004 has been a big year for us, we’ve moved to the new premises which is good. More space to move around in. I don’t know what this place is exactly, someone said it used to be a hospital. Anyway it’s big. We’ve got maybe half of the top floor for our office and most of the bottom floor for our warehouse.
I went for a walk the other day just to see how big the place is, and let me tell you it’s spooky there out back. I was in this long dirty corridor where the lights weren’t working. I think there was maybe a window at the end but it wasn’t letting much light in. And with all these doorways!
It got me thinking: if this place used to be a hospital does that mean it’s haunted? People could have died in here.
Could our office be haunted? Something to look out for!

The other good news in 2004 is that the Board have come back with a decision and we’re definitely not starting up BBQs again this year. “Not this year and not next year” – their exact words. Whew!
Ollie from Accounts wants me to say something. Here goes:
“Bell Lagosa is dead”. Oops, no, ha ha. I’ve done it wrong.
“Bela Lugosi’s dead”.
(Is that right????) Sorry Ollie, I don’t understand that one at all!
!! – hey that is so spooky I was talking about ghosts just a minute ago!!!!!!!!!

FROM THE CHAIR

Don
I know I said I’d do this but I don’t have time. Get one of the girls to type something up but I want to see it first before it goes to print.
Cheers Dennis.

OUR CATALOGUE

To order anything in our catalogue you’ll need the order form. THIS IS NOT THE ORDER FORM. To get the order form send a fax through to 275 7990. If that doesn’t work try 275 7995.

If you can’t get through to either of them after a couple of gos then try 467 9415 but you’ll have to wait because it’s a home fax & only gets checked on weekends.

Also there is an email address which you can write to DADunderscoreCO@googlemail.com - I think that's right unless you have to put "WWW" in front of it.

ITEM PRODUCT # $$$

Table (white w hole) 602201-A $95.00

Chairs (white, set of 4) 709931-00 $114.80

Sun-brella (white w/ yellow & purple)* 11118879346-YELLOW $39.95

Sun-brella (white w/ yellow & blue)* 12978462046-YELLOW $39.95

Sun-brella (white w/ yellow & orange)* 11119784694-YELLOW $69.95


*please note that a sun-brella is just that & will not stop rain.

"It's a Trap"

Dark shape moving overhead
something tremendous
tremendous impact shakes the earth

A massive footfall

And it
(the shadow)
moves on,
and in its wake we have
pink dust, like
pink snow
falling down around us

You don't even notice,
you don't have time to lose,
you're up and moving


to find some clothes
to get dressed
to head out quickly
to cross the room
to a door, leading
to a passage
to a flight of stairs, leading down
to darkness;

to rub at your eyes
to hurry
to the bottom
to slip through a gap, closing, very narrow
to feel the walls close around your shoulders
to wriggle through, & out

to the light
to open spaces
to noises & people, rushing,
to almost forget
to check before running across
to the far side


to the side street
to the alley
to the path which leads
to the park
to the bus stop
to check your watch

to creep in through the basement carpark
to creep in late
to punch the button
to climb inside, be drawn upwards
to punch the clock

to work
to work
to stare out the window
to type to index to squint & agree
to hold, to wait, to drum your fingers
to work, to fidget,
to work


to stumble along
to take your bearings &
to realise you're lost
to realise you're tired, but then
to hear something
to listen
to hear them somewhere nearby, &
to carry on, looking

to crash against the mattress, exhausted, &
to try to think what you need
to remember for tomorrow,
to fall sleep wondering


to wake later in the night, remembering
to stare up at the ceiling, remembering

to work
to work
to lift them one by one
to carry each of them over & stack them
to carry them stack them load them up onto the trucks,
to step back,
to wipe the sweat from your face, then look
to the rest of it waiting
to be shifted, stacked & loaded


to exhaustion at the end of it,
to feel so fucking tired, &
to lean against the wall &
to wonder where all the money goes

to a bench
to sit
to take off your shoes before rising
to step inside
to silence
to the shade of a large cool room
to the muttering of dozens of people
to step amongst the kneeling forms
to find a place of your own
to kneel
to mutter
to mutter for hours
to barely know what you're saying, but simply
to ask
to say “please”
to repeat that word many times
to ask for relief
to politely ask for the pressure to relent
to ask
to be pardoned
to beg
to kneel & beg, & while so doing,
to try
to ignore the cold stone
to ignore the pain it is causing your knees &
to put aside your mounting suspicion that no-one is listening
to you


to work
to work
to lean against the wall &
to examine your hands
to admit
to yourself: it's not getting easier
to do this
to work & work &
to make it to that magical fucking pint
to the whiskey & the smoke
to that moment of peace

to accustom yourself
to a certain amount of pain
to accept it as inevitable, but
to admit
to yourself: it's getting harder
to ignore


to a waiting room
to wait
to stare about &
to wait
to be called
to stare at the faces of the others
to consider which seem stronger, which weaker
to hear your name
to walk in & sit
to bow your head
to listen
to them tell you what you need
to stop eating or stop doing
to breath a deep acceptance &
to nod;
to take it on the chin

to work, to work
to wake
to sudden pain, & then
to wait while they make the call
to watch them come in
to be lifted over
to a stretcher, carried
to the car, driven
to the ward, wheeled
to the bed, shown the controls
to lift it & lower it,
to wait there, to wait there
to take it on the chin, then


to a table & then
to a box & then
to a hole in the ground & then
to what?
to wait there?
to wait there & then at the sound of a trumpet
to be lifted up & carried away
to somewhere
to some great reward
to Heaven
to Jesus
to Santa
to life everlasting;
to be congratulated on your conduct &
to be told: “Yes”

Note from the Cleaners

When you are finishd with yr dishes pls wash & dry & PUT AWAY. DONT leave for us to tidy yr dishes ITS NOT OUR JOB Maureen & me & the girls are NOT YOURE MADES. This is 3 days in a row now we have found dirty dishes pield up in the sink so high we cant fill our buckets & how would you like it if we treated yr home the same way. We are NOT YOUR MOTHERS same rules as when you were at home with Mum pls if you use it wash it & dry it & put it away. Our job is to clean surfaeces & carpet & empty bins. Yr job is to do yr job & ALSO to clean up after. What if we came round yr house & treated it the same way, Maureen & the girls put rubbish everywhere & smashed up windows. No sign of yr kids just their feet prints off in the snow. We are paid our wage (NOT BIG) & you are paid yrs & YES we are part time but there are MORE of US than YOU in the wider world so mind yr manners & STOP leaving yr rubbish in the sink pls
& then no-one has go back to the Old-ways
MUCH APPERICATED.

YOUR GUIDE TO WORK EXPERIENCE

HELLO.
We are a leading financial services company operating in several countries around the world including Canada, Germany and India.
We have been providing financial products and services for over 150 years. Today, we offer a wide range of life assurance, pension and investment products as well as banking services and healthcare insurance. Through our investment arm, we also manage assets.

A placement with us will provide a great opportunity to develop your skills and get a flavour for the world of work you'll enter once you finish school.
We want you to enjoy your time with us – perhaps one day you might be interested in a career with us.

YOUR FIRST DAY

WHAT TO DO WHEN YOU ARRIVE
When you get to the building, go to the main reception area and ask for your placement contact.

WHAT YOU WILL BE DOING
During your placement we'll introduce you to as many general office skills as we can. Things like:
- Using a PC
- Using a photocopier and fax machine.
- Distributing and issuing mail.
- Learning how information is filed and stored.
- Attending meetings.
- Listening to phone calls.
- Working within a team.

WHAT'S EXPECTED OF YOU
Do your best – the way you behave during your placement is really important, the more you put into it, the more you'll get out of it.

You should:
- Attend work at the times agreed.
- Be polite and helpful.
- Do your best to carry out any tasks.
- Show interest and enthusiasm.
- Tell your contact (by 9.30am) if you are unable to come to work.
- Adhere to office rules and guidelines.
- Dress appropriately.

You should not:
- Misuse or discuss confidential information.
- Use office resources for personal use.
- Let yourself down with inappropriate behaviour.
- Use your mobile phone whilst in the office.
- Misuse the intranet/internet.

--

This booklet has some diary pages with questions to help you review each day. Try to answer the questions at the end of each day.

DAY 1
Did you arrive at the time arranged and who was your first contact?
...
Did you feel nervous? If yes, what made you feel nervous?
...
What tasks (if any) did you perform today?
...
What skills have you used? What have you learned today?
...
How do you feel about your first day in the workplace?
...
Do you feel tired or unhappy or pleased with yourself?
...

DAY 2
Did you work with the same people today? If no, who did you work with?
...
What tasks did you perform and what did you find particularly interesting?
...
Is the workplace as you expected? If no why is this?
...
Do you feel tired or unhappy or pleased with yourself?
...

DAY 3
Did you feel like getting up today to go on your work placement? If no, why was this?
...
What are the main rules and regulations in this work place?
...
Have the rules or regulations affected you and why do you think they are necessary?
...
Describe the main tasks you completed today.
...
What was the best part of today's experience?
...

DAY 4
Did you arrive at the agreed time today?
...
Describe the main tasks you completed today.
...
Do you think anyone could do this type of work, or do you think people need special qualities or qualifications?
...
Describe the type of work going on around you.
...
How does this happen?
...

DAY 5
What did you enjoy most about your work experience?
...
What did you enjoy least about your work experience?
...
How can you use your new skills back at school?
...
Did you find the staff friendly and helpful? If no, why do you think this is?
...
Would you like to work in an environment like this when you finish school? If no, why not?
...
Now your work experience is nearly over, have your ideas and expectations of work changed? If yes, how?
...

(from a genuine text)

Garmanbozia

My new job has this attendance software, sort of like the punch-cards you get in old-time factories. You clock in, you clock out.

There are set reasons for absence. If you're absent, you have to choose from a series of options.

These are the options (verbatim, complete with typos):

Bus Abs Adjust Plus -- Bus Abs Adjust Minus -- Broken Foot -- Abcess -- Ankle Injury -- Eye Problem -- Muscular Neck Strain -- Urine Infection -- Arthritis -- AFC Edinburgh -- AFC Glasgow -- Working Bain Square -- Working Gyle Square -- Chest Infection -- Dislocation -- Stomach Bug -- Attacked by Dog -- Viral Infection -- Arm Pain -- Poisoned Foot -- Kidney Infection -- Gastroentiritis -- Dental Treatment -- Tonsilities -- Dizziness -- Knee Pain -- Foot Injury -- Family Issues -- Chest Pain -- Hospital Appointment -- Stress -- Varicose Vein Treatm -- Inflammation -- IBS Asthma Problems -- Tooth Abcess -- Mouth Infection -- Wrist Injury -- Anxiety -- Respiratory Tract In -- Knee Replacement -- Feinted -- Pulled Muscles -- sinusitis -- SpringBoard -- Abdominal Pain -- Toothache -- Headache/Migraine -- medical condition -- Depression -- Sciatica -- Sickness -- Diarrhoea -- Gall Bladder -- Allergic reaction -- Neurological -- gynaecological -- Ear Ache -- neck/shoulder pain -- Ear Infection -- Swollen Tonsils -- Period Pain -- Throat & Sinus Infecti -- Torn Ligaments -- working from home -- Visiting PCB or IHT -- Visiting Scottish Ex -- Visiting Practice -- Sore Throat -- Virus -- Cold/flu -- Backache -- Vomiting -- Hospitalisation -- Bereavement -- UTI -- Car Accident -- Operation -- Appendicitis -- slapped cheek syndro -- flu -- Bowel Infection -- Head Injury -- Colitis